By Mattbert
Two months ago I wrote a groundbreaking story about zizagoons attacking America. It was one of the best articles written this year and almost won me a Pulitzer (Don’t check up on that). I thought that was our biggest threat as a nation, but after doing some thinking I found that I was wrong.
As we all know Steve Irwin died recently after he was stung by a stingray. It’s very rare that people die from stingray attack. In fact since stingrays are so docile, it’s even rare for someone to be attacked, but about a month later an 80-year-old man was out at sea in his boat when a stingray jumped in and stung him in the heart just like Steve Irwin. The difference was the old man survived by keeping the stinger in him whereas Irwin took the stinger out and bleed to death.
Many of you are probably ahead of me and are thinking that I am about to write about how we should be afraid of stingrays, but you are wrong. I’ve done the research and it’s very out of character for stingrays to attack. Like the raccoons, stingrays are getting a bad name. The real culprit is a pokemon called mantine.
Notice the startling similarites? In fact, in light of my recent discovery, many experts have come up with this depiction of what Irwin’s attack looked like. 
(Picture Courtesy of the Internet)
It’s become clear to me that all pokemon are pissed about being our slaves for so long and are mounting an attack. The war has begun and I suggest any pokemon you have in your possession should be killed for your own safety and the safety of others. They’ve already shown their lust for blood and that they willing to kill so we have to come together and put a stop to this, but be careful. Even low level pokemon can possess much strength and/or abilities that can kill you in an instant and their lust for blood seems insatiable. I’m not entirely sure what level a mantine learns the abilty “stab you in the heart”, but it does learn bubblebeam at level 15, which is just as deadly. Until then, stay safe and the world just spins along.
Can You Tell Me How to Get the Hell Away From Sesame Street?
Rampant crime and gang violence on Sesame Street leaves one muppet dead; many residents frightened.
By T.W. Julius
Realm of Imagination – Sesame Street was once a beacon of harmony and understanding. It was a place where many different muppets of many different sizes and colors could gather and live as one big, happy family. It was a place of “sunny days” where “chasing the clouds away” was a universal pastime. Somewhere along the line, that utopian ideal was lost. Yesterday, amidst an eruption of gang violence on Sesame Street, an innocent 3-year-old ballet enthusiast named Zoe was heinosly gunned down while painting an amateurish rainbow on her adorably self-dubbed “Zoemobile”. These days, it seems that the only unifying aspect of life on Sesame Street is the fact that all muppets bleed red. Today’s gruesome news is brought to you by the letter “G” and the number “4”:
“What’s become of this place?” asks emotionally distraught, long-time-resident Kermit the Frog. “First, the economic foundation corroded. Who would have ever expected the bank to foreclose on Mr. Hooper’s shop? Sure, his wares – cigar boxes, pink soap dishes, ink ribbons –were essentially useless, but come on; it’s Mr. fucking Hooper! Next we had that gluttonous, blue-bastard Cookie Monster introduce a narcotic adaptation of cookie dough to the school systems. ‘Dough’ has since become the lucrative lifeblood of the streets. And it seems like the Grouches and the Honkers can’t go a single day without killing each other over turf, ‘dough’ money, or hoes. Now they’ve killed an innocent, albeit somewhat annoying, little girl! Oh, Sesame Street, where is your ‘rainbow connection?’”
The question is apt. Much like the rest of the nation, since the start of George W. Bush’s second term in office, Sesame Street has fruitlessly sought the “rainbow connection” while wielding the burden of an unstable economy and the anxieties of international uncertainty. And, unfortunately, a muppet’s innately cheery disposition is not readily equipped to cope with such a burden. Perhaps that is why Sesame Street has been so greatly afflicted by the nation’s recent turmoil. (No, it is not below this reporter to acknowledge a blatant political dig.)
“It’s a real shame. I remember when the worst crime committed around here was fibbing… and, really, that wasn’t so much a crime as it was an ethical deficiency,” said a surprisingly articulate Super Grover. Now nostalgic Sesame Street residents long for the days of “ethical deficiencies” in the face of rampant crime, sexual deviance, drug usage, and senseless acts of violence. As the sole member of law enforecement on Sesame Street, Super Grover explains, “The situation is dire. On every street corner there’s a Yip-Yap spoon-cooking and injecting ‘dough’. In every alley, there’s a Betty Lou giving a blow job for substantially below street value. In every abandoned warehouse, there’s a Bert and an Ernie wagering on bloody scrums between mongrelly pitbulls and reigning ‘canine-cage-match’ champ Barkley. In every dilapidated apartment, there’s a Herry Monster flicking lit cigarette butts at his wailing, bastard child. On every block, there’s Grouches and Honkers pumping Beretta-9 millimeter-3 dot rounds into one another with utter disregard for innocent muppet life. And you know what? Those two gangs seem to be the root of every evil here on Sesame Street.”
Indeed, at the heart of Sesame Street’s many transgressions are the two premier gang forces in the area - the Grouches and the Honkers. The residents of Sesame Street know the gangs all too well. One such resident - a large, sexually ambiguous canary known only as “Big Bird” – talked about the gangs, “Grouches have always been mean-spirited, but I’d never expect them to devolve to what they are today. And, until recently, Honkers were always just ancillary characters who rarely made any appearances on Sesame Street. I don’t know when they became such a prevalent force in the neighborhood… It was probably around the same time that all of these guns mysteriously started showing up; I mean, where did they come from? This is Sesame Street for Christ’s sake! What the Hell?”
“Honk! Honk! Honk!” said one Honker-gang lieutenant speaking on terms of anonymity. A “honk-terpreter” clarified, “Honkers have been runnin’ this shit on the down low for years! We was just waitin’ for our opportunity to blow the fuck up! Now we’re here! Time for these mother fuckers to deal with it! Honkers for life!” The lieutenant crudely formed the outline of a bulb with his thumbs and forefingers and promptly sped off in his low-riding ’89 Celica.
The Grouches regretfully declined comment, as a request for an interview was met only by the brash slamming shut of a trash can lid and a “Fuck off, nugga!” shouted from somewhere within.
So, what of poor, young Zoe? “Honk! Honk! Honk!” said the Honker liuetenant. That is, “Collateral damage. We just out hea’ lettin’ them Grouch biz-natches know what it is. And what it is, is what it is! Honkers for life!” The ’89 Celica sped off again for yet another trip to what was apparently just around the block.
“Zoe isn’t the first victim, and she won’t be the last. In this week alone there have been one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine homicides on Sesame Street! Nine homicides!” observed resident Count Von Count.
Super Grover remains vigil. “Zoe and the other victims will not be forgotten. As long as Super Grover is the lone arm of law enforcement on Sesame Street, I will continue to fight this battle. ‘J’ stands for for ‘justice’, and I vow to bring justice to the criminals… Or… dang it! Rather, I vow to bring the criminals to justice… So, actually, I guess what I want to say is that ‘C’ stands for ‘criminals’, and I vow to bring the criminals to justice… which starts with ‘J’… You know what? Fuck it! They’re all in trouble! Print that! Now, Super Grover, awaaaaay!”
Keeping in line with tradition, no memorial service will be held for young Zoe, as, at one time, any mere hint of mortality would have corrupted the blissful, child-like ignorance of Sesame Street.
An In-Depth Look of Knitted Garments
By Mattbert
We all share a common bond with each other whether you are high class or low, fat or skinny, tall or short, mentally stable or an a fan of George Bush. We shouldn’t forget that at least one special common thread ties all us Americans together. That special thing is the sock. We all own at least one pair of socks.
Socks hold a very special place in our lives and sometimes we forget that. They perform many functions that make our lives easier. They ease chafing when you are wearing shoes, keep your feet warm and absorb moisture. The average foot has 250,000 sweat glands which give off approximately half a pint of sweat in a single day. Thanks to the trusty pair of socks that sweat is absorbed and drawn to areas where air can wick the sweat away.
Those are the common uses of socks, but don’t forget they can be used for so much more. For example, did you know that socks are great for making puppets? With a little imagination and some art supplies you can get a pretty cool companion AND masturbation tool if you’re into that kind of stuff. Another thing you can do is fill it with objects and beat the crap out of people with it (I prefer filling the socks with oranges). And they can be used as mittens or something, I guess… Also, in some countries socks are used as a form of torture and in soccer games they help you distinguish your teammate from an opponent.
One thing many of us have noticed is that socks tend to disappear over time. There are many theories about how they vanish such as wormholes in laundry dryers that send socks to another universe and coat hangers disappear from that universe into ours. Another is that socks are the larval form of the coat hanger or socks are cannibalistic.
So I hope you learned something new about socks today. I learned that some people have a fetish of the sock and thus there is a woman who sells her used socks at sexysockseductress.com. Also that 75% of the world’s socks are made in Datang, China which is often referred to as Sock City (Which I think would have been a better movie than Sin City).
The Popeye’s Gunman
T.W. Julius
On October 18, 2006, shoppers and employees at the Westgate Mall in Brockton, Massachusetts watched with minimal concern as a masked gunman robbed a couple at gunpoint outside of a nearby Popeye’s restaurant. Okay, masked gunman, I know that you’re out there. Let me simply ask you this: What the Hell were you thinking? If you were going to “jack” somebody, then why in the Dickens would you choose to do it outside of a Popeye’s? Even I, as a cracker, know that if you want to score big, then you have got to think big. The next time that you are going to rob someone at gunpoint, you’d be wise to pick your hapless target outside of one of the finer dining establishments in the area. Think big. Think “Red Lobster” or maybe even “Olive Garden”. That’s where the money “at”. Holla.
The reasoning is simple. If you rob somebody outside of a Popeye’s, then your haul is only going to reflect the lifestyle of a typical Popeye’s consumer. As such, you will probably be fortunate to walk away with the following: a coupon good for a free biscuit with the purchase of two extra-crispy drumsticks, a Virgin Oystr Pay-As-You-Go cell phone, a broken prophylactic from 2003, and a rubber-strapped, novelty Mickey Mouse watch. You know the watch that shows Mickey pointing to the correct time? Sure, it’s a hilarious watch, but it won’t pull much “fetti” on the street.
Now, on the other hand, if you find your mark outside of an Olive Garden, then your reward will probably increase at least three-fold. Imagine scoring this loot: A genuine-leather, Buxton wallet with $30 cash, a Virgin Slider Pay-As-You-Go cell phone, two or three authentic Viagra tablets (none of that Cialas bullshit here), and probably even a digital, water resistant Casio complete with a real metal wristband! Pretty sweet… I mean, pretty “dope”, right? Hey, if you’re lucky, you might even snag a take-out tray of the delicious Five-Cheese Ziti al Forno. Think about it! In one fell swoop, you’ve made an honest day’s pay, and you have a scrumptious dinner to bring to your Baby Mama… you may even have enough leftovers to bring some home to your wife!
Closing
As some of you have noticed, the music video loop at Best Buy has changed. It happened shortly after I wrote an article stating that it should be changed. Which roughly translates into Revolutionary Newsletter: 1, Best Buy Music Loops: 0. Now, if they could take Paris Hilton off the loop we’d be fine. And Arthur from computers wanted me to see what I could do about getting him a raise and William Lopez wanted me to make him GM so see what you can do about that Best Buy.
As always, submissions for the next month are due on the 29th and there are no guidelines, but seeing as next month is December I would like to see a holiday-like article.
To conserve paper visit the website MattbertInk.Tripod.com. (Note: Using www. makes the URL not work for some reason.)
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