By Mattbert
Recently, 78-year-old Alexandria Carasia, filed a complaint to the police after her neighbor, a 14-year-old boy, meowed at her. Carasia claims whenever the boy sees her he meows at her, but the boy testified that has only done so twice.
Carasia and the boy had issues with each other in the past. It started when Carasia complained to the police that the boy’s cat used Carasia’s garden as a litter box. As a result the family got rid of the cat. After this incident, the boy started his meowing towards his neighbor. It is now up to a district judge to decide whether a meow is a harmless taunt or grounds for a misdemeanor.
My opinion on this is that this whole thing is ridiculous. They shouldn’t even be thinking about charging him as a misdemeanant. It’s clear as day that he should actually be charged as a felon. I mean, we can’t go easy on him just because he is 14. If we just let him slip through the system then soon all these teenage punks will think they can get away with meowing at people and then where does it stop? First it is meowing, then barking, then mooing, and then whatever the hell noises a llama makes and so on.
Back in my day we wouldn’t think about pulling this kind of stunt. Kids are getting more and more disrespectful everyday. Not only that they are lazy, stupid, selfish and overall getting worse at everything everyday. I put a lot of blame on video game companies. I remember whenever I wanted to play the original Nintendo it involved work. You had to blow the game to start off and if it played just like that you were lucky. Often blowing by itself wouldn’t work so you had to put the game in the freezer or jiggle the game in the system ect. That taught you not to give up and basic problem solving skills. Then there was the original GameBoy. The one that was ten pounds and the size of a Charles Dickens novel. It used 4 batteries to work and that gave you a good hour to play and no matter how hard you tried you couldn’t get it in your pocket easily. That taught kids responsibility.Nowadays it’s all easy with their “CDs” and their tiny GameBoys with rechargeable batteries, it’s simple to see how everything is going downhill.
We have to put a stop to this new generation and their evil. If your kid starts to meow explain to him that we are not animals and proceed to beat them. My suggestion would be to use the original GameBoy (I read somewhere it was big and weighed ten pounds making it a good beating instrument). Maybe if we can at least do that the future can actually turn out decent. Until then, the world just spins along.
Master Chief? Meet Panthro
By T.W. Julius
Local Halo Player Wins Match In Spite of Apparent Modding
September 7, 2006 – Today a victory was won for all the honest, hard working people who have ever fallen in the wake of an ignominious cheater.
Ryan Porter, 29, screen named PaNtHro77, won a Halo 2 one vs. one slayer match in spite of the presence of wrong-doing on the part of his opposition.
“We were playing in Zanzibar, and I knew something was up like almost instantly,” said Porter of his match. “He had already taken Snipe, and I was down on the beach looking for noob combo. The next thing I knew, he threw a frag grenade at me, and I saw a big cloud of green smoke forming.”
The green smoke instantly sounded an alarm in Porter’s head. “I’ve seen it before, and everyone knows. It’s like, when you hear the timpani in Star Wars, you know that Darth Vader’s coming. When you see the green smoke in Halo, you know that you’re playing with a modder.” Many will note the inaptness of Porter’s analogy, as every casual Star Wars fan knows that timpani can also be heard in a metso piano dynamic during the musical interlude that plays as the Millennium Falcon takes off from Tatooine after rogue smuggler, Han Solo, is rescued from the vile Jabba the Hutt in George Lucas’s 1983 film, Return of the Jedi. Needless to say, the timpani in no way signified a proximity to the Dark Lord Vader.
Porter’s younger brother, Sheldon, 15, views his brother’s story as dubious at best. “I was upstairs in the dining room with my mother, eating dinner, when we heard Ryan start shouting, ‘You (expletive) MOD! I’m going to teabag your modding (expletive)! Oh, no scope!’” Eavesdropping on the conversation of three, Portuguese contractual laborers in the Mattbert Ink building later revealed that performing a “teabag” involves independently achieving sexual gratification while thusly depositing the resultant seminal fluid onto another individual’s visage, primarily around the forehead.
Porter’s mother, being justifiably concerned, sent Sheldon down to the basement to check on his older brother.
Sheldon, upon entering the basement, found Ryan, or Panthro77, in his usual Fantastic Max, nighttime attire, sitting intently on his beanbag chair with intense focus in his eyes. “He kept mumbling profanities about modding in between exclamations of ‘Assassinated, (expletive)!’ and ‘Oh, I just stuck you!’” says Sheldon. “The game seemed to be going fine. It was 12-9 in Ryan’s favor, lag free, and appeared to be running smooth.”
Ryan Porter calls his brother’s view a discredit to his accomplishment. “Sheldon doesn’t understand. I mean, he really only gets to play this game when… nay, if I let him! I’m already at a level 32! He’s only at like an 11 or 12. He’s always too busy doing stuff with his friends or, ugh … ‘Natalie’… to even begin to comprehend the magnitude of what I’ve done here today.”
“Look, maybe I can’t definitively say that it was kill coring or weapons calibrations, but the guy was definitely haxorz! The simple fact of the matter is, HaiRyKillA233 was using some sort of a MOD in our match and I beat him 25-18 anyway. I saw the green smoke, and he saw the 23 medals that I had in the post game lobby… Look! A Killing Spree! Boo-Yah! What, son!? How’s that sit in your saucer!? I’m merciless! I got The Empire Strikes Back Palpatine on his (expletive)!” Porter’s inane boasting was silenced only by the microwave buzzer that signaled the finish of the timer he had set on a bowl of Eddie Spaghetti.
What does Porter’s girlfriend think of his accomplishment? “Uh… Actually I’m single right now,” explains Ryan, “I’d tell you to run that so that the ladies would know I’m available, but the truth is, I’m kind of holding out for a girl just like Cheetara. She’s out there. I can sense it.”
Porter’s mother worries. “He beat a what? A modder? God, why can’t he just get laid?”
Halo’s developer, Bungie, has yet to reply to our email inquiring about the possible banhammer implications of PaNtHro77 and HaiRyKillA233’s match.
Two-Thirds of Humanity
By Jakub Weglarczyk
What do you believe in? Take it from anywhere Politics, Religion, ethics and ask yourself, Can I defend my beliefs? And not with an AK-47 like many people who demonstrated in the past 30 years - PLO, IRA, The Jackal guy from Venezuela. Can you reasonably defend your beliefs? Logic and all that rationality stuff? If not your in the company of billions! However, today I would like to point out one group that I find profoundly protected because of their aura of neutrality and seeming peaceful nature. I am talking about the so-called Buddhist.
Now there are these people who say they are Buddhist and immediately we assume positive stereotypes of enlightened opinion and superior behavior. Do me a favor and go on myspace or rather don't and take my word for it. You will find many people who put Buddhist as their religion. Its funny how ideas evolve due to ignorance and superstition. Lets start with the origins of Buddhism. Started in India by a prince, Siddhartha Gautama, in the 6th century BC. Here are some key points to be taken from Buddhism. There is no God according to the Buddha because that would mean the purpose of our lives would be to serve God but from the Buddha's observation this failed to be proven. Further more the Buddha did not believe in the concept of a self. According to the Buddha we are really just the sum of our previous experience acting upon those previous encounters in the present. Finally the Buddha practiced a life of asceticism living off charity from local people. Overall the Buddhist philosophy is highly admirable for its high ethical standards and morality that easily surpasses anything the Judeo-Christian religions have provided.
The problem lies in people exploiting this stereotype and their generally collective ignorance in understanding their so-called belief. First off if your a Buddhist why do you have a myspace, facebook, xanga, etc. Why stroke your ego when trying to satiate such desire leads to only more suffering? Many times they can be seen pictures with the necklace with a jade "fat" Buddha. Two things are profoundly disturbing with this. First off, buying Jade means you as a Buddhist contribute to global suffering by giving more money to a mining industry know for its brutal exploitation of labor (see the documentary BLING: A Planet Rock). Secondly the first Buddha, Siddhartha Gautama, was far from a fat man. Historical accounts have him as a thin athletic build and his diet of rice scraps supports this. The fat Buddha so often seen in popular culture was a Chinese monk living in the 10th century AD an alleged reincarnation of the original Buddha.
There is a great story told by the disciples of the Buddha. A young man believed himself capable of defeating the Buddha in a debate about the self. The young man purported that there is a self because of our five senses and our control over them. He further boasted he would do this without breaking a sweat. The Buddha heard the man's argument and replied asking if we have any real control of our senses. We don't create the images we see, nor the sounds we hear, nor do we have control over the touch, taste, or smell. The Buddha proceeded to do this line for line in front of a large crowd causing the man to break into a sweat. The Buddha proceeded to take off his robe and not a drop of sweat covered his body. Now lets think for a second. Do any of these Buddhist label jumpers believe in freewill? From the writings of the Buddha everything points to the fact that he was probably a determinist and an ardent one at that. Ask your local myspace Buddhist if they believe in freewill. Trust me they will more than likely say yes.
My final point while a little extreme maintains relevance in today’s world. Look I'm not asking modern Buddhists to go wander the hills and beg for charity but maybe you guys could show some active compassion to those less off. Maybe give to charity or volunteer to help those less fortunate. Let me do you a favor and even recommend some for the local Buddhist. UNICEF is a great choice because they help children in some of the poorest nations receive basic immunizations and health care. Another good charity to contribute to is Doctors without Borders. Doctors travel to war zones and give free medical service to the local populations. Both Charities are rated very highly but you could always pick a local place. A great resource for researching into this is http://www.charitynavigator.org/. Don't go into the field but show some compassion for your fellow man but I can guarantee you most of these trendy types won't give a dollar and those who do give will give just a dollar (just keep your dollar you cheap fuck). Buddhism as a philosophy demands compassion and rational thinking. When the Buddha lay dying he laughed at his followers who believed he would become immortal. Similarly we should laugh at all those who hold ignorant beliefs while always maintaining a patient mindset. Maybe you label yourself as a Buddhist but if I catch you slipping up in a discussion on it let me assure you it will be a no sympathy conversation. Do us a favor just say undecided and stop exploiting the aura cause I don't buy it and neither should you.
James Blunt, to put it bluntly, SUCKS! That’s right James, I mocked your name and said you sucked. What are you going to do about it huh!? Nothing because he’s too busy playing with his millions of dollars to read a newsletter only five people actually read! Why is this title so long… GOD DAMN YOU BLUNT!
By Mattbert
If you go to Best Buy you may notice TVs hanging from the ceiling, playing music videos and movie trailers and ect. Throughout the day it plays the same thing over and over in a rotation. It probably doesn’t bother you if you are the average shopper and come in sparingly, but if you work there like I do it gets annoying. For the most part I just get over it, but for the past couple of months one song in the rotation really started to get on my nerves. It’s called “High” by James Blunt.
The reason why it bothers me is because he does a very annoying high pitched noise several times through the song. Recently, I did some calculations to determine how many times I have to listen to that.
First off, I figured out how long one full rotation is. It’s about 24 minutes, which you multiply by 60 to get 1440 seconds. I usually work eight hour shifts and taking out my lunch break it’s seven and a half hours. Seven and a half hours is 450 minutes. If you multiply 450 by 60 you get 27000 seconds. If you divide 27000 by 1440 you get 18.75. So I get to hear the song roughly 19 times a day if you round up.
In the song, I counted 24 times that he made that high pitched noise he calls music. That means 456 times a day I hear that stupid noise. Also, I’d like to point out that I work an average of five days a week (My nice part-time schedule). That means I hear the noise roughly 2280 times a week. That’s 2280 times I want to stab myself in the ear every week. In short, what I am trying to say is CHANGE THE DAMN SONG ALREADY!
Greetings and salutations to the consort of the maimed, mangled, enfeebled, lame, gimp, halted, marred, and paralyzed who may or may not read this publication. So, a horrible accident has severed your spinal column and reduced your life to a gaping void of nothingness where virility and vibrance once were abound. Well, despair not, my wheelbound friends! For T.W. Julius has spent the past several minutes perusing an unendorsed internet document that compiles a few key takeaways from a fairly substantial, although unscientific, examination of your kind! And, through his laborious laboring, he has uncovered a great many neglected benefits married to life as a cripple. So, friends, please take heed of the proceeding in the hopes that you, too, may see the silver lining.
Firstly, for many it goes without saying, but, in sincerity, it must be said: Life is more fun on wheels. How else can one explain the cultural phenomena that are Go-Karts, Pow-Pow-Powerwheels, Roller Discos, and Heely’s Sneakers? Perhaps life stuck in a rolling chair is not the metaphorical prison cell that it seems to be, but in fact, a perpetual freedom for which other Americans spend moderately to attain for fleeting, scant moments.
Secondly, no life can be more agreeable than a life that is abundant with empathy. I can only enviously imagine the number of occasions on which an empathetic person has allowed you to win at board games such as Trivial Pursuit and Monopoly. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to win those games for us “norms”? Exceedingly so. In fact, I never win at such games. And the audacity of all those bleeding hearts who just hand you uncontested victory… it simply burns me up! But I bet it makes you feel great; doesn’t it? Oh, to be victor! King! Sitting high on your rolling throne in all of your smug, self-contented glory! You make me sick!
Thirdly, when have you ever been the victim of a merciless beating? I mean, a real thrashing? A walloping of Biblical proportions? The kind of assault that my awkward social graces merit on a daily basis? Surely, you have never endured such incursion. Why? Well, we may safely assume that it is not because people fear your disabled tenement. And surely the conscienceless scum of society do not feel too badly to mug your broken personage. Then why? Well, the simple fact of the matter is, it is a veritable impossibility to kick an ass while it is ensconced snugly in the plush cushion of a TefTec OmegaTrac Wheelchair. OmegaTrac - go anywhere a walker would go while leaving your buttocks in the comfort of home!
Fourthly, pray tell, when is the last time you felt those annoying “pins and needles” in your foot? Well, I just felt them a few minutes ago when I was crouched over and inspecting my prized empire of an ant metropolis. I’ll tell you, it was pretty darn awful. So, the next time you are ruefully regretting the inability to wiggle your pinky toes, remember T.W. Julius and the unsettling discomfort that he has suffered on this day.
So, there you have it. Life as a paraplegic isn’t nearly the hollow, destitute existence that we perceive it to be. I, T.W. Julius, hope that I have shed a ray of light onto the bleak, sorrowful dispositions that unquestionably constitute the psyches of every paraplegic in existence… Yea, a single ray of light that, American/Christian God willing, may help to reveal the silver lining.
The Shape-Shifting Goat
By Mattbert
Nigeria – A murder suspect is being accused of killing his brother with an axe. To the murderer’s defense, he has stated that it was not his fault. He merely tried to scare the goats off his farm. When one would not move he attacked with an axe. That’s when the goat, he says, turned into his brother…
Apparently, in Nigeria, many people believe in black magic and sometimes murder suspects will claim spirits tricked them into killing. An example of this occurs in 2001 when eight people were burned to death after one person in their group was accused of making a bystander’s penis magically disappear.
Alright, this all actually happened. This is the part of the article where I usually started making things up (as any good journalist would) or start giving an absurd opinion, but I’m not sure if I need to in this case. I’m not sure if I even really need to do anything. I’m so confused.
Internet Conversations
Cristobal: why don't you put ice on the stairs
and heat up the door knob
and swing paint buckets down from your two story foyer
then a few years later, fade from the public eye.....
Ending
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