Issue 4 Decemeber

Hodgepodge
By Mattbert

I’m going to write this issue of Mattbert Ink a little differently that usual. Instead of full articles of each subject, I’m going to shortly mention everything I wanted to mention shortly in one big article. The reason for this is because the last two weeks of November have been eventful for me. The last two weeks of my life can be summed up into four words: The Legend of Zelda. Actually, a large portion of my life can be summed up that way, but to be more specifically I’ve been spending most of my time in the last two weeks playing Twilight Princess and Link’s Awakening as well as being very sick on the side. Anyhow, let’s get started.
In recent news, a man broke into a lion’s den at the zoo and was viciously mauled. Several witnesses said there should have been something to stop the man such as putting up better defenses to keep people out of the cage. I agree 100% with them. In fact I have an idea. I think there should be some kind of deterrent. For example, putting some sort of fierce animal in the cage which would attack anybody who climbed in.
Speaking of animals attacking, in San Francisco, there is a sea lion that is attacking swimmers at the beach. Experts say that the sea lion’s attacks may be motivated by either brain damaging caused by toxic algae or protecting his potential mates. I say it’s easier to blame mentally challenged sea lion’s and look the other way rather than reveal the real situation, which happens to be more Pokemon attacks. In my other articles I’ve documented attacks from other Pokemon such as zigzagoons and mantines and mentioned the growing threat of crazed Pokemon. (It’s in my opinion that the “sea lion” in this article is actually a Pokemon called seel) I still stand by my beliefs that they are out for blood and our only chance for survival is to destroy them all. Don’t let them fool you. They are still God’s deadliest creatures and America’s number one threat.
In entertainment news, it’s been revealed that Britney Spears’ soon to be ex-husband, Kevin Federline, was cheating on her. Oh wait, that’s not news because no one cares and you can add that to the fact that neither Kevin nor Britney are any bit entertaining. But I guess it’s good to know that everyone has to report about it because, let’s face it, “celebrity” lives are so important to us. It makes huge impacts in our lives when bad things happen to famous people we’ll never meet. I mean it’s not like stuff ever happens to the people around me and if it does, who really cares because us average people aren’t supposed to be perfect like celebrities.
It really makes me feel like an empty shell of a person when I think about that divorce and I guess my only saving grace is that I recently heard breaking “news” that Nicole Richie has gained ten pounds. I feel with that bit of information my life is complete and I can finally die in peace. In fact that’s how I learned the true meaning of Christmas and the false meaning of Giant Enemy Crabs.
And the world just spins along…

A Very Yiddish Christmas
By T.W. Julius

A12-year-old Jewish boy, Jacob Blackstein, is going to give Christmas a try for a change. “Feh, if I have to suffer through one more Channukah, I think that I might plotz,” says Blackstein. The son of a fourth generation baleboosteh and a fifth generation alter kocker, Blackstein is a Yidden through and through. However, after receiving nothing more than the Esrog & Lulav plush play set for last year’s Channukah, Blackstein says that he will play the part of a real “shagetz” this year when he recognizes the Christian celebration of Christmas instead of Channukah. “My goy friends all got Xbox 360s. I got nishtikeit! Bubkis! Vei is mir!” Blackstein admits that neglecting Channukah will leave all his “mishpachas” somewhat “ungepatched”, but he says that he’d “schmeicel” his “shmeckle” long before he’d ever light another menorah. “And I haven’t done that since my bris. Gloib mir!” Blackstein says that he is not “patschkieing”. He doesn’t want to be viewed as a “moisheh kapoyer”, but Channukah has been “hockin” him “a chinick” for years. Blackstein complains that, in the past, all the blintzes and kugel had left him feeling “chaloshes” and generally “pretty schlecht”. And Blackstein swears that he is not just being “yutzi” out of envy. He says that he has always maintained his “yiddishe kup” and hopes that his sense will avoid any unnecessary “kappora” amidst all the “meshugass”. Blackstein just prays for “shep nachas”. “Oi vay, all that I really want this year is inner simchas… and maybe a video Ipod.”

Widower Finds a Cool Ranch Solace
By T.W Julius

Widower Derek Turner, 26, found comfort in an unexpected place late yesterday evening. That comfort was manifested as a Dorito with four points. Said Turner, “I was about halfway through a bag of Cooler Ranch when I saw it - a Dorito with four points. Needless to say, I was simply amazed.” Grieving the loss of his wife, Amy, for the past two months, Derek interpreted the atypical corn chip as a delicious message from the beyond. “Amy loved Doritos almost as much as I do. Granted, she preferred the Nacho Cheese flavor to the Cooler Ranch, but still, in some way I believe that this chip is Amy’s spirit telling me that everything will be okay.” Turner said that after discovering the unusual Dorito he wept – “really wept” - for the first time since his wife’s death. When asked how he’ll preserve the Dorito and Amy’s memory, Turner replied, “Uh, dude? I already ate the Dorito. But I can honestly say that it was the sweetest thing that I’ve ever tasted. It will be with me forever.” Mr. Turner issued no further comment about the Dorito as he was struck by a sudden urge to move his bowels.

Outcast Congressman Not an Online Predator
By T.W. Julius

The Congressman from New Hampshire’s 2nd District, Charles Bass, alienated himself from fellow representatives in Congress when he admitted that he is not an online predator. Bass said that he finds such behavior “morally reprehensible”. In light of the recent controversy involving Florida Congressman Mark Foley, many representatives in Congress anonymously confessed to Mattbert Ink that they practice behaviors similar to that of Representative Foley. As such, the other Congressmen regard the faultless Representative Bass as a “pussy”, a “loser”, and as “the-guy-who-just-loves-having-real-sex-with-his-legal-wife”. White House Spokesman, Tony Snow, reacted to the assertion that all Congressmen partake in sexual deviance on the internet, “Well, of course all Congressmen do what Foley did. These men and women represent the fabric of America… Furthermore, rubbing one out over your computer keyboard at the thought of a nubile, young teen is more wholly American than apple pie. It’s one of the eminent qualities of true patriotism. In fact, if you don’t do it, you’re probably a terrorist… a gay terrorist.” Charles Bass never did have many friends in Congress even before his confession of innocence. But now, bearing the stigma associated with being a “gay terrorist”, the Congressman may consider looking to other places for companionship – perhaps even in an online chatroom.

Sames and Opposites
(A concept shamelessly stolen from Demetri Martin by T.W. Julius)

- Paris Hilton is the same as a pencil sharpener… I wouldn’t stick my penis in either of them.
- Masturbation is the opposite of an orgy… unless you own puppets.
- A black guy is the same as a good report card… you should hang both where everyone can see. Just kidding. I love black guys. Really.
- Three-pointers are the opposite of nameless hoboes… I find it difficult to shoot three-pointers.
- Your MySpace page is the same as the death of my pet goldfish… I honestly don’t give a shit about either. But seriously, stop telling me about your fucking MySpace page!
- Caviar is the opposite of a booger… I’ve never eaten caviar.

Food For Thought

Layzone13: "It's easy to forget what a sin is in the middle of a battlefield."
MattbertInc: Opposite over hypotenuse, asshole.

In Conclusion

If you have any ideas, comments, articles for the newsletter feel free to send it to me. There are no requirements for articles. And don’t forget to tell your friends about the newsletter. Everyone have a safe and/or happy holiday.