Issue 6 March 2007

History and Future of Mattbert Ink Today
By Mattbert

Well, to start off this newsletter, I’ll wish you a Happy Mattbert Day… unless you are reading this after March 2nd. In that case happy belated Mattbert Day. For those of you who aren’t familiar with Mattbert Day, it’s a holiday celebrating the birth of my company Mattbert Ink.
It all started back on March 2nd, 1996. I created my first comic strip. I don’t still have it nor do I remember what it was about, but the main character looked almost identical to my favorite comic strip character Dilbert, which is how I got the name pseudonym of Mattbert. As the company, then known as Mattbert Inc, matured in time I gained more employees and ventured into different projects such as this newsletter as well as comic books, informational pamphlets, videos, websites ect. Later on, it was revealed that most of the projects Mattbert Ink produces are to spread awareness of the epidemic of stupidity that is engulfing the world.
It appears that Mattbert Ink will have its busiest year this year. We are working on a new official website for Mattbert Ink. With this new website we’ll have more room to post podcasts every month as well as the whole archive of Super Boxem comics and many other things.
Another thing I’m trying to do this year is save up some money to send my book to my publisher. I already started saving up and I’ve been getting donations in the form of pennies (I have about 36 dollars in pennies) and I only have to save less than $1000 dollars I should be able to send the book in late spring or early summer and the book should be available for purchase towards the end of the year.
A few other things we are working on are a few more performances this year by our white-asian artist duo “Catharsis”, getting more writers for Mattbert Ink, trying to update Super Boxem more often, and a collaboration book from members of the LTP, Box Brigade and Mattbert Ink.

The world just spins along…

One Last Laugh
Jason Laporte

Tragedy struck late yesterday evening when a man dressed as a clown was hit and killed by an Entenmann’s pie truck.
The accident occurred at about 5:30 PM on the north end of Irony Boulevard. Witnesses said that the clown tripped over his own hilariously- oversized shoes and stumbled head on into the front of the swiftly moving Entenmann’s truck.
The white powdery make-up and smiley red lipstick smeared on the center of the truck’s grill painted a colorful, yet graphic image of the impact. The truck was hauling over two hundred banana cream pies and was estimated by witnesses to be traveling at thirty-five miles per hour.
Witnesses said that upon impact, the clown comically tumbled backwards in true vaudeville fashion for upwards of twenty-five feet before coming to a stop. The clown’s novelty seltzer bottle traveled an astounding sixty feet where it promptly sprayed an unsuspecting onlooker and provided some plucky, light-hearted comic relief. Amazingly, the clown’s red foam nose was still secured snugly to his horribly mangled face.
Muffin the Clown, a friend of the victim, said, “What a way to go. It’s absolutely tragic. The thing is, ‘pies in the face’ weren’t even really his shtick. He was more of a ‘balloon animal’ guy. He could make the finest damn poodle you’ve ever seen.”
The first officer on the scene, Sgt. Carl Winslow of the local police department said, “In all my years, I’ve never seen anything like this… well, not exactly like this… actually, I guess I have seen something kinda like this… at the circus… minus the truck of course.” Winslow added, “Man, it’s really sad and all… but I can’t help but find it a little funny. It’s like, ‘Hey, a clown just got hit in the face by a pie… truck!’ Come on. It makes you laugh a little.”
No Entenmann’s banana cream pies were harmed during the accident. Look for them in your grocer’s freezer alongside a large assortment of other delicious Entenmann’s products.

Something about Something Else
By Mattbert

James Van Iveren. That is the name of a man being charged with criminal trespass, criminal damage and disorderly conduct.
It all happened on February 12. James was in his apartment when he heard what sounded like a scream for help and a woman being raped. He quickly ran to his neighbor’s apartment armed with a cavalry sword, kicked open the door, and thrusting the sword at his neighbor he yelled, “Where is she?” several times. It turns out it was just a porno tape playing that was playing in the apartment.
As I mentioned before Van Iveren is being charged for this and he could face jail time. I believe this is ridiculous because he was only jumping to conclusions and that is not a crime. Jumping to conclusions is the best equipment us Americans have to combat crime. For example, I saw a priest last week walking toward a building with what I thought was a bomb so I acted quickly and got my trusty wooden staff and nearly beat him to death before he could do anything. I later found out that it was just a bible, but he sure learned his lesson. He’ll think twice before he tries to commit a terrorist act or carry a bible ever again. Another fine example is the War in Iraq. The government jumped to the conclusion that they had nuclear weapons and so we went to war. So far, it looks like everything turned out nicely with that.
Another reason why he shouldn’t be charged is that he used a sword. Only respectable people use such weapons. In fact, police in Tijuana are being issued slingshots instead of guns now. It just shows how badass “primitive” weapons are and that they are making a comeback. In the next couple of years I hope to see more drive by shootings by bow and arrow and instead of nuclear bombs we can bring back catapults with corpses that have the plague.

Closing

If you have an article you would like to submit to Mattbert Ink you can email it to MattbertInc@hotmail.com. Keep a lookout for the new website which should be coming in the next couple of weeks and don’t forget to floss.