By Mattbert
First off, sorry for the lack of a newsletter for the month of April. Nothing much has happened in the world of Mattbert Ink lately. The book I plan to publish this year might be held back a little longer than I expected due to my departure from my job at Best Buy, but apparently I got a better and higher paying job so I should at least be able to have it sent into the publisher by the end of the year.
I’m trying to get the newsletter more popular so make sure to tell all your friends and advertise and ect.
As you may have noticed I’m still using this website to post new newsletter as opposed to MattbertInk.com. The design for the website is actually all finished and all that needs to be finished is the coding for the backend. I’d like to tell you when it’d be up, but unfortunately the guy who is making the website isn’t putting much effort into getting it done at the moment.
One last thing before I get this newsletter started. I actually managed to get another steady writer for the newsletter. If you remember correctly I stated before that this newsletter isn’t strictly supposed comedic, but rather an outlet for people to display any kind of writing on any subject. She write poems… and they aren’t supposed to be funny… the end.
Kids: The New Adolescents
By Mattbert
Recently, or somewhat recently, a 42-year-old German man had gotten so angry by a foul during a boy’s soccer match that he kicked the 8-year old boy in karate fashion and then proceeded to jump on him. The boy suffered only minor bruises, but one thing is for sure, he won’t be causing anymore fouls and that’s why that German man is a hero in my book.
You see, kids aren’t being disciplined nearly as much as they used to and when they are it’s usually a pansy disciplining which is why this generation of youths is spiraling out of control into a ball of idiocy and rebelliousness. Add that to the growing threat of wild pokemon attacks and I predict the world’s end in about 13 years.You should follow German man’s actions. If you see your kid going out of line don’t be afraid to karate kick them square in the chest which is shown in this helpful diagram:
If you are really really hesitant about violence I suppose there are other effective ways to discipline. For example, recently teachers in India started spraying cow urine on students to drive away the evil inside them. The teacher would have a peer spray urine on the student, wetting their face as well as their answer sheets and the teacher would comment that the students would be able to study better. So not only can you use it as a punishment, but it also purifies your kids and helps them study. With those kinds of features expect to see infomercials about cow urine sprays soon and in all the stores. It’ll be a hit! And with that, the world just spins along.
Commercials: The New Super Bowl
By TW Julius
The NFL has agreed to pay $300 million to air the Super Bowl during three consecutive hours of TV commercials next season.
The decision comes after a national poll revealed that there are actually more viewers who tune in to watch the Super Bowl advertisements than the game itself.
The Gallup Poll showed that 63% of viewers prefer the rare blend of slapstick comedy, sexual suggestiveness, and sarcastic overtones that compose the brief advertising spots compared to 37% of viewers who still prefer the spectacle of well-defined men in tight pants senselessly crashing into one another over and over again in what is considered to be the pinnacle of team sports. It is believed that the 63% of viewers who prefer the commercial spots are mostly women, children under the age of twelve, senior citizens, D&D players, freedom-hating terrorists, and men with small penises.
NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said that he is “happy” to have the opportunity to ride the coattails of marketing juggernauts such as Budweiser, Pepsi, Nike, McDonald’s, and, to a lesser extent, Phosphorescent-Strontium-Aluminate-Koosh Balls Incorporated. Goodell said, “We here at the NFL are excited to broaden our horizons by sharing our product with a whole new demographic – that is, the special people who find amusement in the awkward, homoerotic moment that occurs when two men accidentally touch lips while sharing a delicious, Snickers candy bar.” Goodell concluded, “These people are the NFL fans of tomorrow.”
Troy Vincent, President of the NFL Players Association and defensive back for the Washington Redskins, reacted to the NFL’s decision, “Umm… I’m still going to get paid, right?”
Rest assured, for all of those football purists who think that this new emphasis on commercialism will destroy the integrity of the game, there is one athlete who knows that his sport will continue to thrive. “Advertising is so trivial in the grand scheme of things that it will never completely pervade or corrupt the game of football, “ said Colts’ quarterback and Super Bowl MVP Peyton Manning. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go use my awesome Sprint phone to order the complete ESPN package in the stunning high-definition of DirectTV which I’ll pay for with my total rewards MasterCard while drinking a refreshing Gatorade and wearing my sweet, new Reeboks. But, seriously, as far as advertising in football is concerned, there’s really nothing to worry about.”
In a related story, 99% of Americans still hate Peyton Manning.
Don’t: The New Do Not
By Heather M. Ella
Don't stare at me with those eyes full of wonder,
Don't cast that gaze where it shouldn't bother.
Don't deem me gullible and make me believe you,
for beauty is in the eye of only the beholder.
Don't make believe you even care at all,
for even a minute do not make me want to fall.
Don't call my name and expect me to come crawling,
and don't whisper those words that I want you to keep saying.
Don't make me long for the things I should not,
for loneliness is deceitful and performs destructful plots.
Don't reach deep within and rescue my soul,
I'm not a vulnerable woman who needs that kind of tool.
Don't hold out your arms to envelop me into,
..I'm not a sucker to the warmth of your body.
Don't avert your deep emeralds anywhere on me,
Please keep away, don't abide too close to me.
For wanting and needing are two separate things;
One can confuse you while the other can suck you in.
So don't breathe into my ear and say it's alright,
Don't offer me your charm to take it back tonight.
I just want you gone, out of my sight,
Far away so I can collect my own thoughts..
I don't need your petty distraction....
But the truth is I'm torn into two.
One half of me says yes
while the other says no.
I want to take your hand and walk onto that path,
the path of least-resistance,
and the path to love.
But I don't know if I can reach out to trust again,
for I've been hurt way too many times,
So a lonely heart is a healthy heart,
'tis better than a broken heart..
So don't be my prince charming and rescue me,
Not when I need it the most..
Don't make me promises you cannot keep,
and do not make me want to fall.....
My vulnerableness,
and loneliness,
will only get in the way.
So here's your heart, don't offer it again,
get back on that horse, be gone, go on your way,
And please, this I ask of you,
this I will beg of you:
Don't turn around, don't come back,
for all you'll see is my dying,
crying eyes.
Closing: The Old Ending
If you have any question for me or the staff or would like to send an article in you can email me at MattbertInc@hotmail.com
No comments:
Post a Comment