Issue 7 May 2007

The Mattbert Report: The New Sletter
By Mattbert

First off, sorry for the lack of a newsletter for the month of April. Nothing much has happened in the world of Mattbert Ink lately. The book I plan to publish this year might be held back a little longer than I expected due to my departure from my job at Best Buy, but apparently I got a better and higher paying job so I should at least be able to have it sent into the publisher by the end of the year.
I’m trying to get the newsletter more popular so make sure to tell all your friends and advertise and ect.
As you may have noticed I’m still using this website to post new newsletter as opposed to MattbertInk.com. The design for the website is actually all finished and all that needs to be finished is the coding for the backend. I’d like to tell you when it’d be up, but unfortunately the guy who is making the website isn’t putting much effort into getting it done at the moment.
One last thing before I get this newsletter started. I actually managed to get another steady writer for the newsletter. If you remember correctly I stated before that this newsletter isn’t strictly supposed comedic, but rather an outlet for people to display any kind of writing on any subject. She write poems… and they aren’t supposed to be funny… the end.


Kids: The New Adolescents
By Mattbert

Recently, or somewhat recently, a 42-year-old German man had gotten so angry by a foul during a boy’s soccer match that he kicked the 8-year old boy in karate fashion and then proceeded to jump on him. The boy suffered only minor bruises, but one thing is for sure, he won’t be causing anymore fouls and that’s why that German man is a hero in my book.
You see, kids aren’t being disciplined nearly as much as they used to and when they are it’s usually a pansy disciplining which is why this generation of youths is spiraling out of control into a ball of idiocy and rebelliousness. Add that to the growing threat of wild pokemon attacks and I predict the world’s end in about 13 years.You should follow German man’s actions. If you see your kid going out of line don’t be afraid to karate kick them square in the chest which is shown in this helpful diagram:

If you are really really hesitant about violence I suppose there are other effective ways to discipline. For example, recently teachers in India started spraying cow urine on students to drive away the evil inside them. The teacher would have a peer spray urine on the student, wetting their face as well as their answer sheets and the teacher would comment that the students would be able to study better. So not only can you use it as a punishment, but it also purifies your kids and helps them study. With those kinds of features expect to see infomercials about cow urine sprays soon and in all the stores. It’ll be a hit! And with that, the world just spins along.


Commercials: The New Super Bowl
By TW Julius

The NFL has agreed to pay $300 million to air the Super Bowl during three consecutive hours of TV commercials next season.
The decision comes after a national poll revealed that there are actually more viewers who tune in to watch the Super Bowl advertisements than the game itself.
The Gallup Poll showed that 63% of viewers prefer the rare blend of slapstick comedy, sexual suggestiveness, and sarcastic overtones that compose the brief advertising spots compared to 37% of viewers who still prefer the spectacle of well-defined men in tight pants senselessly crashing into one another over and over again in what is considered to be the pinnacle of team sports. It is believed that the 63% of viewers who prefer the commercial spots are mostly women, children under the age of twelve, senior citizens, D&D players, freedom-hating terrorists, and men with small penises.
NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said that he is “happy” to have the opportunity to ride the coattails of marketing juggernauts such as Budweiser, Pepsi, Nike, McDonald’s, and, to a lesser extent, Phosphorescent-Strontium-Aluminate-Koosh Balls Incorporated. Goodell said, “We here at the NFL are excited to broaden our horizons by sharing our product with a whole new demographic – that is, the special people who find amusement in the awkward, homoerotic moment that occurs when two men accidentally touch lips while sharing a delicious, Snickers candy bar.” Goodell concluded, “These people are the NFL fans of tomorrow.”
Troy Vincent, President of the NFL Players Association and defensive back for the Washington Redskins, reacted to the NFL’s decision, “Umm… I’m still going to get paid, right?”
Rest assured, for all of those football purists who think that this new emphasis on commercialism will destroy the integrity of the game, there is one athlete who knows that his sport will continue to thrive. “Advertising is so trivial in the grand scheme of things that it will never completely pervade or corrupt the game of football, “ said Colts’ quarterback and Super Bowl MVP Peyton Manning. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go use my awesome Sprint phone to order the complete ESPN package in the stunning high-definition of DirectTV which I’ll pay for with my total rewards MasterCard while drinking a refreshing Gatorade and wearing my sweet, new Reeboks. But, seriously, as far as advertising in football is concerned, there’s really nothing to worry about.”
In a related story, 99% of Americans still hate Peyton Manning.

Don’t: The New Do Not
By Heather M. Ella

Don't stare at me with those eyes full of wonder,
Don't cast that gaze where it shouldn't bother.
Don't deem me gullible and make me believe you,
for beauty is in the eye of only the beholder.
Don't make believe you even care at all,
for even a minute do not make me want to fall.
Don't call my name and expect me to come crawling,
and don't whisper those words that I want you to keep saying.
Don't make me long for the things I should not,
for loneliness is deceitful and performs destructful plots.
Don't reach deep within and rescue my soul,
I'm not a vulnerable woman who needs that kind of tool.
Don't hold out your arms to envelop me into,
..I'm not a sucker to the warmth of your body.
Don't avert your deep emeralds anywhere on me,
Please keep away, don't abide too close to me.
For wanting and needing are two separate things;
One can confuse you while the other can suck you in.
So don't breathe into my ear and say it's alright,
Don't offer me your charm to take it back tonight.
I just want you gone, out of my sight,
Far away so I can collect my own thoughts..
I don't need your petty distraction....
But the truth is I'm torn into two.
One half of me says yes
while the other says no.
I want to take your hand and walk onto that path,
the path of least-resistance,
and the path to love.
But I don't know if I can reach out to trust again,
for I've been hurt way too many times,
So a lonely heart is a healthy heart,
'tis better than a broken heart..
So don't be my prince charming and rescue me,
Not when I need it the most..
Don't make me promises you cannot keep,
and do not make me want to fall.....
My vulnerableness,
and loneliness,
will only get in the way.
So here's your heart, don't offer it again,
get back on that horse, be gone, go on your way,
And please, this I ask of you,
this I will beg of you:
Don't turn around, don't come back,
for all you'll see is my dying,
crying eyes.

Closing: The Old Ending
If you have any question for me or the staff or would like to send an article in you can email me at MattbertInc@hotmail.com

Issue 6 March 2007

History and Future of Mattbert Ink Today
By Mattbert

Well, to start off this newsletter, I’ll wish you a Happy Mattbert Day… unless you are reading this after March 2nd. In that case happy belated Mattbert Day. For those of you who aren’t familiar with Mattbert Day, it’s a holiday celebrating the birth of my company Mattbert Ink.
It all started back on March 2nd, 1996. I created my first comic strip. I don’t still have it nor do I remember what it was about, but the main character looked almost identical to my favorite comic strip character Dilbert, which is how I got the name pseudonym of Mattbert. As the company, then known as Mattbert Inc, matured in time I gained more employees and ventured into different projects such as this newsletter as well as comic books, informational pamphlets, videos, websites ect. Later on, it was revealed that most of the projects Mattbert Ink produces are to spread awareness of the epidemic of stupidity that is engulfing the world.
It appears that Mattbert Ink will have its busiest year this year. We are working on a new official website for Mattbert Ink. With this new website we’ll have more room to post podcasts every month as well as the whole archive of Super Boxem comics and many other things.
Another thing I’m trying to do this year is save up some money to send my book to my publisher. I already started saving up and I’ve been getting donations in the form of pennies (I have about 36 dollars in pennies) and I only have to save less than $1000 dollars I should be able to send the book in late spring or early summer and the book should be available for purchase towards the end of the year.
A few other things we are working on are a few more performances this year by our white-asian artist duo “Catharsis”, getting more writers for Mattbert Ink, trying to update Super Boxem more often, and a collaboration book from members of the LTP, Box Brigade and Mattbert Ink.

The world just spins along…

One Last Laugh
Jason Laporte

Tragedy struck late yesterday evening when a man dressed as a clown was hit and killed by an Entenmann’s pie truck.
The accident occurred at about 5:30 PM on the north end of Irony Boulevard. Witnesses said that the clown tripped over his own hilariously- oversized shoes and stumbled head on into the front of the swiftly moving Entenmann’s truck.
The white powdery make-up and smiley red lipstick smeared on the center of the truck’s grill painted a colorful, yet graphic image of the impact. The truck was hauling over two hundred banana cream pies and was estimated by witnesses to be traveling at thirty-five miles per hour.
Witnesses said that upon impact, the clown comically tumbled backwards in true vaudeville fashion for upwards of twenty-five feet before coming to a stop. The clown’s novelty seltzer bottle traveled an astounding sixty feet where it promptly sprayed an unsuspecting onlooker and provided some plucky, light-hearted comic relief. Amazingly, the clown’s red foam nose was still secured snugly to his horribly mangled face.
Muffin the Clown, a friend of the victim, said, “What a way to go. It’s absolutely tragic. The thing is, ‘pies in the face’ weren’t even really his shtick. He was more of a ‘balloon animal’ guy. He could make the finest damn poodle you’ve ever seen.”
The first officer on the scene, Sgt. Carl Winslow of the local police department said, “In all my years, I’ve never seen anything like this… well, not exactly like this… actually, I guess I have seen something kinda like this… at the circus… minus the truck of course.” Winslow added, “Man, it’s really sad and all… but I can’t help but find it a little funny. It’s like, ‘Hey, a clown just got hit in the face by a pie… truck!’ Come on. It makes you laugh a little.”
No Entenmann’s banana cream pies were harmed during the accident. Look for them in your grocer’s freezer alongside a large assortment of other delicious Entenmann’s products.

Something about Something Else
By Mattbert

James Van Iveren. That is the name of a man being charged with criminal trespass, criminal damage and disorderly conduct.
It all happened on February 12. James was in his apartment when he heard what sounded like a scream for help and a woman being raped. He quickly ran to his neighbor’s apartment armed with a cavalry sword, kicked open the door, and thrusting the sword at his neighbor he yelled, “Where is she?” several times. It turns out it was just a porno tape playing that was playing in the apartment.
As I mentioned before Van Iveren is being charged for this and he could face jail time. I believe this is ridiculous because he was only jumping to conclusions and that is not a crime. Jumping to conclusions is the best equipment us Americans have to combat crime. For example, I saw a priest last week walking toward a building with what I thought was a bomb so I acted quickly and got my trusty wooden staff and nearly beat him to death before he could do anything. I later found out that it was just a bible, but he sure learned his lesson. He’ll think twice before he tries to commit a terrorist act or carry a bible ever again. Another fine example is the War in Iraq. The government jumped to the conclusion that they had nuclear weapons and so we went to war. So far, it looks like everything turned out nicely with that.
Another reason why he shouldn’t be charged is that he used a sword. Only respectable people use such weapons. In fact, police in Tijuana are being issued slingshots instead of guns now. It just shows how badass “primitive” weapons are and that they are making a comeback. In the next couple of years I hope to see more drive by shootings by bow and arrow and instead of nuclear bombs we can bring back catapults with corpses that have the plague.

Closing

If you have an article you would like to submit to Mattbert Ink you can email it to MattbertInc@hotmail.com. Keep a lookout for the new website which should be coming in the next couple of weeks and don’t forget to floss.

Issue 5 February 2007

I think half of the issue five I have is missing so if anyone has a copy it would be nice if you'd let me see it.

Issue 4 Decemeber

Hodgepodge
By Mattbert

I’m going to write this issue of Mattbert Ink a little differently that usual. Instead of full articles of each subject, I’m going to shortly mention everything I wanted to mention shortly in one big article. The reason for this is because the last two weeks of November have been eventful for me. The last two weeks of my life can be summed up into four words: The Legend of Zelda. Actually, a large portion of my life can be summed up that way, but to be more specifically I’ve been spending most of my time in the last two weeks playing Twilight Princess and Link’s Awakening as well as being very sick on the side. Anyhow, let’s get started.
In recent news, a man broke into a lion’s den at the zoo and was viciously mauled. Several witnesses said there should have been something to stop the man such as putting up better defenses to keep people out of the cage. I agree 100% with them. In fact I have an idea. I think there should be some kind of deterrent. For example, putting some sort of fierce animal in the cage which would attack anybody who climbed in.
Speaking of animals attacking, in San Francisco, there is a sea lion that is attacking swimmers at the beach. Experts say that the sea lion’s attacks may be motivated by either brain damaging caused by toxic algae or protecting his potential mates. I say it’s easier to blame mentally challenged sea lion’s and look the other way rather than reveal the real situation, which happens to be more Pokemon attacks. In my other articles I’ve documented attacks from other Pokemon such as zigzagoons and mantines and mentioned the growing threat of crazed Pokemon. (It’s in my opinion that the “sea lion” in this article is actually a Pokemon called seel) I still stand by my beliefs that they are out for blood and our only chance for survival is to destroy them all. Don’t let them fool you. They are still God’s deadliest creatures and America’s number one threat.
In entertainment news, it’s been revealed that Britney Spears’ soon to be ex-husband, Kevin Federline, was cheating on her. Oh wait, that’s not news because no one cares and you can add that to the fact that neither Kevin nor Britney are any bit entertaining. But I guess it’s good to know that everyone has to report about it because, let’s face it, “celebrity” lives are so important to us. It makes huge impacts in our lives when bad things happen to famous people we’ll never meet. I mean it’s not like stuff ever happens to the people around me and if it does, who really cares because us average people aren’t supposed to be perfect like celebrities.
It really makes me feel like an empty shell of a person when I think about that divorce and I guess my only saving grace is that I recently heard breaking “news” that Nicole Richie has gained ten pounds. I feel with that bit of information my life is complete and I can finally die in peace. In fact that’s how I learned the true meaning of Christmas and the false meaning of Giant Enemy Crabs.
And the world just spins along…

A Very Yiddish Christmas
By T.W. Julius

A12-year-old Jewish boy, Jacob Blackstein, is going to give Christmas a try for a change. “Feh, if I have to suffer through one more Channukah, I think that I might plotz,” says Blackstein. The son of a fourth generation baleboosteh and a fifth generation alter kocker, Blackstein is a Yidden through and through. However, after receiving nothing more than the Esrog & Lulav plush play set for last year’s Channukah, Blackstein says that he will play the part of a real “shagetz” this year when he recognizes the Christian celebration of Christmas instead of Channukah. “My goy friends all got Xbox 360s. I got nishtikeit! Bubkis! Vei is mir!” Blackstein admits that neglecting Channukah will leave all his “mishpachas” somewhat “ungepatched”, but he says that he’d “schmeicel” his “shmeckle” long before he’d ever light another menorah. “And I haven’t done that since my bris. Gloib mir!” Blackstein says that he is not “patschkieing”. He doesn’t want to be viewed as a “moisheh kapoyer”, but Channukah has been “hockin” him “a chinick” for years. Blackstein complains that, in the past, all the blintzes and kugel had left him feeling “chaloshes” and generally “pretty schlecht”. And Blackstein swears that he is not just being “yutzi” out of envy. He says that he has always maintained his “yiddishe kup” and hopes that his sense will avoid any unnecessary “kappora” amidst all the “meshugass”. Blackstein just prays for “shep nachas”. “Oi vay, all that I really want this year is inner simchas… and maybe a video Ipod.”

Widower Finds a Cool Ranch Solace
By T.W Julius

Widower Derek Turner, 26, found comfort in an unexpected place late yesterday evening. That comfort was manifested as a Dorito with four points. Said Turner, “I was about halfway through a bag of Cooler Ranch when I saw it - a Dorito with four points. Needless to say, I was simply amazed.” Grieving the loss of his wife, Amy, for the past two months, Derek interpreted the atypical corn chip as a delicious message from the beyond. “Amy loved Doritos almost as much as I do. Granted, she preferred the Nacho Cheese flavor to the Cooler Ranch, but still, in some way I believe that this chip is Amy’s spirit telling me that everything will be okay.” Turner said that after discovering the unusual Dorito he wept – “really wept” - for the first time since his wife’s death. When asked how he’ll preserve the Dorito and Amy’s memory, Turner replied, “Uh, dude? I already ate the Dorito. But I can honestly say that it was the sweetest thing that I’ve ever tasted. It will be with me forever.” Mr. Turner issued no further comment about the Dorito as he was struck by a sudden urge to move his bowels.

Outcast Congressman Not an Online Predator
By T.W. Julius

The Congressman from New Hampshire’s 2nd District, Charles Bass, alienated himself from fellow representatives in Congress when he admitted that he is not an online predator. Bass said that he finds such behavior “morally reprehensible”. In light of the recent controversy involving Florida Congressman Mark Foley, many representatives in Congress anonymously confessed to Mattbert Ink that they practice behaviors similar to that of Representative Foley. As such, the other Congressmen regard the faultless Representative Bass as a “pussy”, a “loser”, and as “the-guy-who-just-loves-having-real-sex-with-his-legal-wife”. White House Spokesman, Tony Snow, reacted to the assertion that all Congressmen partake in sexual deviance on the internet, “Well, of course all Congressmen do what Foley did. These men and women represent the fabric of America… Furthermore, rubbing one out over your computer keyboard at the thought of a nubile, young teen is more wholly American than apple pie. It’s one of the eminent qualities of true patriotism. In fact, if you don’t do it, you’re probably a terrorist… a gay terrorist.” Charles Bass never did have many friends in Congress even before his confession of innocence. But now, bearing the stigma associated with being a “gay terrorist”, the Congressman may consider looking to other places for companionship – perhaps even in an online chatroom.

Sames and Opposites
(A concept shamelessly stolen from Demetri Martin by T.W. Julius)

- Paris Hilton is the same as a pencil sharpener… I wouldn’t stick my penis in either of them.
- Masturbation is the opposite of an orgy… unless you own puppets.
- A black guy is the same as a good report card… you should hang both where everyone can see. Just kidding. I love black guys. Really.
- Three-pointers are the opposite of nameless hoboes… I find it difficult to shoot three-pointers.
- Your MySpace page is the same as the death of my pet goldfish… I honestly don’t give a shit about either. But seriously, stop telling me about your fucking MySpace page!
- Caviar is the opposite of a booger… I’ve never eaten caviar.

Food For Thought

Layzone13: "It's easy to forget what a sin is in the middle of a battlefield."
MattbertInc: Opposite over hypotenuse, asshole.

In Conclusion

If you have any ideas, comments, articles for the newsletter feel free to send it to me. There are no requirements for articles. And don’t forget to tell your friends about the newsletter. Everyone have a safe and/or happy holiday.

Issue 3 November

America’s Revised Threat
By Mattbert

Two months ago I wrote a groundbreaking story about zizagoons attacking America. It was one of the best articles written this year and almost won me a Pulitzer (Don’t check up on that). I thought that was our biggest threat as a nation, but after doing some thinking I found that I was wrong.
As we all know Steve Irwin died recently after he was stung by a stingray. It’s very rare that people die from stingray attack. In fact since stingrays are so docile, it’s even rare for someone to be attacked, but about a month later an 80-year-old man was out at sea in his boat when a stingray jumped in and stung him in the heart just like Steve Irwin. The difference was the old man survived by keeping the stinger in him whereas Irwin took the stinger out and bleed to death.
Many of you are probably ahead of me and are thinking that I am about to write about how we should be afraid of stingrays, but you are wrong. I’ve done the research and it’s very out of character for stingrays to attack. Like the raccoons, stingrays are getting a bad name. The real culprit is a pokemon called mantine.

Notice the startling similarites? In fact, in light of my recent discovery, many experts have come up with this depiction of what Irwin’s attack looked like.

(Picture Courtesy of the Internet)

It’s become clear to me that all pokemon are pissed about being our slaves for so long and are mounting an attack. The war has begun and I suggest any pokemon you have in your possession should be killed for your own safety and the safety of others. They’ve already shown their lust for blood and that they willing to kill so we have to come together and put a stop to this, but be careful. Even low level pokemon can possess much strength and/or abilities that can kill you in an instant and their lust for blood seems insatiable. I’m not entirely sure what level a mantine learns the abilty “stab you in the heart”, but it does learn bubblebeam at level 15, which is just as deadly. Until then, stay safe and the world just spins along.

Can You Tell Me How to Get the Hell Away From Sesame Street?
Rampant crime and gang violence on Sesame Street leaves one muppet dead; many residents frightened.
By T.W. Julius

Realm of Imagination – Sesame Street was once a beacon of harmony and understanding. It was a place where many different muppets of many different sizes and colors could gather and live as one big, happy family. It was a place of “sunny days” where “chasing the clouds away” was a universal pastime. Somewhere along the line, that utopian ideal was lost. Yesterday, amidst an eruption of gang violence on Sesame Street, an innocent 3-year-old ballet enthusiast named Zoe was heinosly gunned down while painting an amateurish rainbow on her adorably self-dubbed “Zoemobile”. These days, it seems that the only unifying aspect of life on Sesame Street is the fact that all muppets bleed red. Today’s gruesome news is brought to you by the letter “G” and the number “4”:
“What’s become of this place?” asks emotionally distraught, long-time-resident Kermit the Frog. “First, the economic foundation corroded. Who would have ever expected the bank to foreclose on Mr. Hooper’s shop? Sure, his wares – cigar boxes, pink soap dishes, ink ribbons –were essentially useless, but come on; it’s Mr. fucking Hooper! Next we had that gluttonous, blue-bastard Cookie Monster introduce a narcotic adaptation of cookie dough to the school systems. ‘Dough’ has since become the lucrative lifeblood of the streets. And it seems like the Grouches and the Honkers can’t go a single day without killing each other over turf, ‘dough’ money, or hoes. Now they’ve killed an innocent, albeit somewhat annoying, little girl! Oh, Sesame Street, where is your ‘rainbow connection?’”
The question is apt. Much like the rest of the nation, since the start of George W. Bush’s second term in office, Sesame Street has fruitlessly sought the “rainbow connection” while wielding the burden of an unstable economy and the anxieties of international uncertainty. And, unfortunately, a muppet’s innately cheery disposition is not readily equipped to cope with such a burden. Perhaps that is why Sesame Street has been so greatly afflicted by the nation’s recent turmoil. (No, it is not below this reporter to acknowledge a blatant political dig.)
“It’s a real shame. I remember when the worst crime committed around here was fibbing… and, really, that wasn’t so much a crime as it was an ethical deficiency,” said a surprisingly articulate Super Grover. Now nostalgic Sesame Street residents long for the days of “ethical deficiencies” in the face of rampant crime, sexual deviance, drug usage, and senseless acts of violence. As the sole member of law enforecement on Sesame Street, Super Grover explains, “The situation is dire. On every street corner there’s a Yip-Yap spoon-cooking and injecting ‘dough’. In every alley, there’s a Betty Lou giving a blow job for substantially below street value. In every abandoned warehouse, there’s a Bert and an Ernie wagering on bloody scrums between mongrelly pitbulls and reigning ‘canine-cage-match’ champ Barkley. In every dilapidated apartment, there’s a Herry Monster flicking lit cigarette butts at his wailing, bastard child. On every block, there’s Grouches and Honkers pumping Beretta-9 millimeter-3 dot rounds into one another with utter disregard for innocent muppet life. And you know what? Those two gangs seem to be the root of every evil here on Sesame Street.”
Indeed, at the heart of Sesame Street’s many transgressions are the two premier gang forces in the area - the Grouches and the Honkers. The residents of Sesame Street know the gangs all too well. One such resident - a large, sexually ambiguous canary known only as “Big Bird” – talked about the gangs, “Grouches have always been mean-spirited, but I’d never expect them to devolve to what they are today. And, until recently, Honkers were always just ancillary characters who rarely made any appearances on Sesame Street. I don’t know when they became such a prevalent force in the neighborhood… It was probably around the same time that all of these guns mysteriously started showing up; I mean, where did they come from? This is Sesame Street for Christ’s sake! What the Hell?”
“Honk! Honk! Honk!” said one Honker-gang lieutenant speaking on terms of anonymity. A “honk-terpreter” clarified, “Honkers have been runnin’ this shit on the down low for years! We was just waitin’ for our opportunity to blow the fuck up! Now we’re here! Time for these mother fuckers to deal with it! Honkers for life!” The lieutenant crudely formed the outline of a bulb with his thumbs and forefingers and promptly sped off in his low-riding ’89 Celica.
The Grouches regretfully declined comment, as a request for an interview was met only by the brash slamming shut of a trash can lid and a “Fuck off, nugga!” shouted from somewhere within.
So, what of poor, young Zoe? “Honk! Honk! Honk!” said the Honker liuetenant. That is, “Collateral damage. We just out hea’ lettin’ them Grouch biz-natches know what it is. And what it is, is what it is! Honkers for life!” The ’89 Celica sped off again for yet another trip to what was apparently just around the block.
“Zoe isn’t the first victim, and she won’t be the last. In this week alone there have been one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine homicides on Sesame Street! Nine homicides!” observed resident Count Von Count.
Super Grover remains vigil. “Zoe and the other victims will not be forgotten. As long as Super Grover is the lone arm of law enforcement on Sesame Street, I will continue to fight this battle. ‘J’ stands for for ‘justice’, and I vow to bring justice to the criminals… Or… dang it! Rather, I vow to bring the criminals to justice… So, actually, I guess what I want to say is that ‘C’ stands for ‘criminals’, and I vow to bring the criminals to justice… which starts with ‘J’… You know what? Fuck it! They’re all in trouble! Print that! Now, Super Grover, awaaaaay!”
Keeping in line with tradition, no memorial service will be held for young Zoe, as, at one time, any mere hint of mortality would have corrupted the blissful, child-like ignorance of Sesame Street.

An In-Depth Look of Knitted Garments
By Mattbert

We all share a common bond with each other whether you are high class or low, fat or skinny, tall or short, mentally stable or an a fan of George Bush. We shouldn’t forget that at least one special common thread ties all us Americans together. That special thing is the sock. We all own at least one pair of socks.
Socks hold a very special place in our lives and sometimes we forget that. They perform many functions that make our lives easier. They ease chafing when you are wearing shoes, keep your feet warm and absorb moisture. The average foot has 250,000 sweat glands which give off approximately half a pint of sweat in a single day. Thanks to the trusty pair of socks that sweat is absorbed and drawn to areas where air can wick the sweat away.
Those are the common uses of socks, but don’t forget they can be used for so much more. For example, did you know that socks are great for making puppets? With a little imagination and some art supplies you can get a pretty cool companion AND masturbation tool if you’re into that kind of stuff. Another thing you can do is fill it with objects and beat the crap out of people with it (I prefer filling the socks with oranges). And they can be used as mittens or something, I guess… Also, in some countries socks are used as a form of torture and in soccer games they help you distinguish your teammate from an opponent.
One thing many of us have noticed is that socks tend to disappear over time. There are many theories about how they vanish such as wormholes in laundry dryers that send socks to another universe and coat hangers disappear from that universe into ours. Another is that socks are the larval form of the coat hanger or socks are cannibalistic.
So I hope you learned something new about socks today. I learned that some people have a fetish of the sock and thus there is a woman who sells her used socks at sexysockseductress.com. Also that 75% of the world’s socks are made in Datang, China which is often referred to as Sock City (Which I think would have been a better movie than Sin City).

The Popeye’s Gunman
T.W. Julius

On October 18, 2006, shoppers and employees at the Westgate Mall in Brockton, Massachusetts watched with minimal concern as a masked gunman robbed a couple at gunpoint outside of a nearby Popeye’s restaurant. Okay, masked gunman, I know that you’re out there. Let me simply ask you this: What the Hell were you thinking? If you were going to “jack” somebody, then why in the Dickens would you choose to do it outside of a Popeye’s? Even I, as a cracker, know that if you want to score big, then you have got to think big. The next time that you are going to rob someone at gunpoint, you’d be wise to pick your hapless target outside of one of the finer dining establishments in the area. Think big. Think “Red Lobster” or maybe even “Olive Garden”. That’s where the money “at”. Holla.
The reasoning is simple. If you rob somebody outside of a Popeye’s, then your haul is only going to reflect the lifestyle of a typical Popeye’s consumer. As such, you will probably be fortunate to walk away with the following: a coupon good for a free biscuit with the purchase of two extra-crispy drumsticks, a Virgin Oystr Pay-As-You-Go cell phone, a broken prophylactic from 2003, and a rubber-strapped, novelty Mickey Mouse watch. You know the watch that shows Mickey pointing to the correct time? Sure, it’s a hilarious watch, but it won’t pull much “fetti” on the street.
Now, on the other hand, if you find your mark outside of an Olive Garden, then your reward will probably increase at least three-fold. Imagine scoring this loot: A genuine-leather, Buxton wallet with $30 cash, a Virgin Slider Pay-As-You-Go cell phone, two or three authentic Viagra tablets (none of that Cialas bullshit here), and probably even a digital, water resistant Casio complete with a real metal wristband! Pretty sweet… I mean, pretty “dope”, right? Hey, if you’re lucky, you might even snag a take-out tray of the delicious Five-Cheese Ziti al Forno. Think about it! In one fell swoop, you’ve made an honest day’s pay, and you have a scrumptious dinner to bring to your Baby Mama… you may even have enough leftovers to bring some home to your wife!

Closing

As some of you have noticed, the music video loop at Best Buy has changed. It happened shortly after I wrote an article stating that it should be changed. Which roughly translates into Revolutionary Newsletter: 1, Best Buy Music Loops: 0. Now, if they could take Paris Hilton off the loop we’d be fine. And Arthur from computers wanted me to see what I could do about getting him a raise and William Lopez wanted me to make him GM so see what you can do about that Best Buy.

As always, submissions for the next month are due on the 29th and there are no guidelines, but seeing as next month is December I would like to see a holiday-like article.
To conserve paper visit the website MattbertInk.Tripod.com. (Note: Using www. makes the URL not work for some reason.)

Issue 2 October 2006

“Meow”
By Mattbert

Recently, 78-year-old Alexandria Carasia, filed a complaint to the police after her neighbor, a 14-year-old boy, meowed at her. Carasia claims whenever the boy sees her he meows at her, but the boy testified that has only done so twice.
Carasia and the boy had issues with each other in the past. It started when Carasia complained to the police that the boy’s cat used Carasia’s garden as a litter box. As a result the family got rid of the cat. After this incident, the boy started his meowing towards his neighbor. It is now up to a district judge to decide whether a meow is a harmless taunt or grounds for a misdemeanor.
My opinion on this is that this whole thing is ridiculous. They shouldn’t even be thinking about charging him as a misdemeanant. It’s clear as day that he should actually be charged as a felon. I mean, we can’t go easy on him just because he is 14. If we just let him slip through the system then soon all these teenage punks will think they can get away with meowing at people and then where does it stop? First it is meowing, then barking, then mooing, and then whatever the hell noises a llama makes and so on.
Back in my day we wouldn’t think about pulling this kind of stunt. Kids are getting more and more disrespectful everyday. Not only that they are lazy, stupid, selfish and overall getting worse at everything everyday. I put a lot of blame on video game companies. I remember whenever I wanted to play the original Nintendo it involved work. You had to blow the game to start off and if it played just like that you were lucky. Often blowing by itself wouldn’t work so you had to put the game in the freezer or jiggle the game in the system ect. That taught you not to give up and basic problem solving skills. Then there was the original GameBoy. The one that was ten pounds and the size of a Charles Dickens novel. It used 4 batteries to work and that gave you a good hour to play and no matter how hard you tried you couldn’t get it in your pocket easily. That taught kids responsibility.Nowadays it’s all easy with their “CDs” and their tiny GameBoys with rechargeable batteries, it’s simple to see how everything is going downhill.
We have to put a stop to this new generation and their evil. If your kid starts to meow explain to him that we are not animals and proceed to beat them. My suggestion would be to use the original GameBoy (I read somewhere it was big and weighed ten pounds making it a good beating instrument). Maybe if we can at least do that the future can actually turn out decent. Until then, the world just spins along.

Master Chief? Meet Panthro
By T.W. Julius

Local Halo Player Wins Match In Spite of Apparent Modding

September 7, 2006 – Today a victory was won for all the honest, hard working people who have ever fallen in the wake of an ignominious cheater.

Ryan Porter, 29, screen named PaNtHro77, won a Halo 2 one vs. one slayer match in spite of the presence of wrong-doing on the part of his opposition.

“We were playing in Zanzibar, and I knew something was up like almost instantly,” said Porter of his match. “He had already taken Snipe, and I was down on the beach looking for noob combo. The next thing I knew, he threw a frag grenade at me, and I saw a big cloud of green smoke forming.”

The green smoke instantly sounded an alarm in Porter’s head. “I’ve seen it before, and everyone knows. It’s like, when you hear the timpani in Star Wars, you know that Darth Vader’s coming. When you see the green smoke in Halo, you know that you’re playing with a modder.” Many will note the inaptness of Porter’s analogy, as every casual Star Wars fan knows that timpani can also be heard in a metso piano dynamic during the musical interlude that plays as the Millennium Falcon takes off from Tatooine after rogue smuggler, Han Solo, is rescued from the vile Jabba the Hutt in George Lucas’s 1983 film, Return of the Jedi. Needless to say, the timpani in no way signified a proximity to the Dark Lord Vader.

Porter’s younger brother, Sheldon, 15, views his brother’s story as dubious at best. “I was upstairs in the dining room with my mother, eating dinner, when we heard Ryan start shouting, ‘You (expletive) MOD! I’m going to teabag your modding (expletive)! Oh, no scope!’” Eavesdropping on the conversation of three, Portuguese contractual laborers in the Mattbert Ink building later revealed that performing a “teabag” involves independently achieving sexual gratification while thusly depositing the resultant seminal fluid onto another individual’s visage, primarily around the forehead.

Porter’s mother, being justifiably concerned, sent Sheldon down to the basement to check on his older brother.

Sheldon, upon entering the basement, found Ryan, or Panthro77, in his usual Fantastic Max, nighttime attire, sitting intently on his beanbag chair with intense focus in his eyes. “He kept mumbling profanities about modding in between exclamations of ‘Assassinated, (expletive)!’ and ‘Oh, I just stuck you!’” says Sheldon. “The game seemed to be going fine. It was 12-9 in Ryan’s favor, lag free, and appeared to be running smooth.”

Ryan Porter calls his brother’s view a discredit to his accomplishment. “Sheldon doesn’t understand. I mean, he really only gets to play this game when… nay, if I let him! I’m already at a level 32! He’s only at like an 11 or 12. He’s always too busy doing stuff with his friends or, ugh … ‘Natalie’… to even begin to comprehend the magnitude of what I’ve done here today.”

“Look, maybe I can’t definitively say that it was kill coring or weapons calibrations, but the guy was definitely haxorz! The simple fact of the matter is, HaiRyKillA233 was using some sort of a MOD in our match and I beat him 25-18 anyway. I saw the green smoke, and he saw the 23 medals that I had in the post game lobby… Look! A Killing Spree! Boo-Yah! What, son!? How’s that sit in your saucer!? I’m merciless! I got The Empire Strikes Back Palpatine on his (expletive)!” Porter’s inane boasting was silenced only by the microwave buzzer that signaled the finish of the timer he had set on a bowl of Eddie Spaghetti.

What does Porter’s girlfriend think of his accomplishment? “Uh… Actually I’m single right now,” explains Ryan, “I’d tell you to run that so that the ladies would know I’m available, but the truth is, I’m kind of holding out for a girl just like Cheetara. She’s out there. I can sense it.”

Porter’s mother worries. “He beat a what? A modder? God, why can’t he just get laid?”

Halo’s developer, Bungie, has yet to reply to our email inquiring about the possible banhammer implications of PaNtHro77 and HaiRyKillA233’s match.

Two-Thirds of Humanity
By Jakub Weglarczyk

What do you believe in? Take it from anywhere Politics, Religion, ethics and ask yourself, Can I defend my beliefs? And not with an AK-47 like many people who demonstrated in the past 30 years - PLO, IRA, The Jackal guy from Venezuela. Can you reasonably defend your beliefs? Logic and all that rationality stuff? If not your in the company of billions! However, today I would like to point out one group that I find profoundly protected because of their aura of neutrality and seeming peaceful nature. I am talking about the so-called Buddhist.
Now there are these people who say they are Buddhist and immediately we assume positive stereotypes of enlightened opinion and superior behavior. Do me a favor and go on myspace or rather don't and take my word for it. You will find many people who put Buddhist as their religion. Its funny how ideas evolve due to ignorance and superstition. Lets start with the origins of Buddhism. Started in India by a prince, Siddhartha Gautama, in the 6th century BC. Here are some key points to be taken from Buddhism. There is no God according to the Buddha because that would mean the purpose of our lives would be to serve God but from the Buddha's observation this failed to be proven. Further more the Buddha did not believe in the concept of a self. According to the Buddha we are really just the sum of our previous experience acting upon those previous encounters in the present. Finally the Buddha practiced a life of asceticism living off charity from local people. Overall the Buddhist philosophy is highly admirable for its high ethical standards and morality that easily surpasses anything the Judeo-Christian religions have provided.
The problem lies in people exploiting this stereotype and their generally collective ignorance in understanding their so-called belief. First off if your a Buddhist why do you have a myspace, facebook, xanga, etc. Why stroke your ego when trying to satiate such desire leads to only more suffering? Many times they can be seen pictures with the necklace with a jade "fat" Buddha. Two things are profoundly disturbing with this. First off, buying Jade means you as a Buddhist contribute to global suffering by giving more money to a mining industry know for its brutal exploitation of labor (see the documentary BLING: A Planet Rock). Secondly the first Buddha, Siddhartha Gautama, was far from a fat man. Historical accounts have him as a thin athletic build and his diet of rice scraps supports this. The fat Buddha so often seen in popular culture was a Chinese monk living in the 10th century AD an alleged reincarnation of the original Buddha.
There is a great story told by the disciples of the Buddha. A young man believed himself capable of defeating the Buddha in a debate about the self. The young man purported that there is a self because of our five senses and our control over them. He further boasted he would do this without breaking a sweat. The Buddha heard the man's argument and replied asking if we have any real control of our senses. We don't create the images we see, nor the sounds we hear, nor do we have control over the touch, taste, or smell. The Buddha proceeded to do this line for line in front of a large crowd causing the man to break into a sweat. The Buddha proceeded to take off his robe and not a drop of sweat covered his body. Now lets think for a second. Do any of these Buddhist label jumpers believe in freewill? From the writings of the Buddha everything points to the fact that he was probably a determinist and an ardent one at that. Ask your local myspace Buddhist if they believe in freewill. Trust me they will more than likely say yes.
My final point while a little extreme maintains relevance in today’s world. Look I'm not asking modern Buddhists to go wander the hills and beg for charity but maybe you guys could show some active compassion to those less off. Maybe give to charity or volunteer to help those less fortunate. Let me do you a favor and even recommend some for the local Buddhist. UNICEF is a great choice because they help children in some of the poorest nations receive basic immunizations and health care. Another good charity to contribute to is Doctors without Borders. Doctors travel to war zones and give free medical service to the local populations. Both Charities are rated very highly but you could always pick a local place. A great resource for researching into this is http://www.charitynavigator.org/. Don't go into the field but show some compassion for your fellow man but I can guarantee you most of these trendy types won't give a dollar and those who do give will give just a dollar (just keep your dollar you cheap fuck). Buddhism as a philosophy demands compassion and rational thinking. When the Buddha lay dying he laughed at his followers who believed he would become immortal. Similarly we should laugh at all those who hold ignorant beliefs while always maintaining a patient mindset. Maybe you label yourself as a Buddhist but if I catch you slipping up in a discussion on it let me assure you it will be a no sympathy conversation. Do us a favor just say undecided and stop exploiting the aura cause I don't buy it and neither should you.

James Blunt, to put it bluntly, SUCKS! That’s right James, I mocked your name and said you sucked. What are you going to do about it huh!? Nothing because he’s too busy playing with his millions of dollars to read a newsletter only five people actually read! Why is this title so long… GOD DAMN YOU BLUNT!
By Mattbert

If you go to Best Buy you may notice TVs hanging from the ceiling, playing music videos and movie trailers and ect. Throughout the day it plays the same thing over and over in a rotation. It probably doesn’t bother you if you are the average shopper and come in sparingly, but if you work there like I do it gets annoying. For the most part I just get over it, but for the past couple of months one song in the rotation really started to get on my nerves. It’s called “High” by James Blunt.
The reason why it bothers me is because he does a very annoying high pitched noise several times through the song. Recently, I did some calculations to determine how many times I have to listen to that.
First off, I figured out how long one full rotation is. It’s about 24 minutes, which you multiply by 60 to get 1440 seconds. I usually work eight hour shifts and taking out my lunch break it’s seven and a half hours. Seven and a half hours is 450 minutes. If you multiply 450 by 60 you get 27000 seconds. If you divide 27000 by 1440 you get 18.75. So I get to hear the song roughly 19 times a day if you round up.
In the song, I counted 24 times that he made that high pitched noise he calls music. That means 456 times a day I hear that stupid noise. Also, I’d like to point out that I work an average of five days a week (My nice part-time schedule). That means I hear the noise roughly 2280 times a week. That’s 2280 times I want to stab myself in the ear every week. In short, what I am trying to say is CHANGE THE DAMN SONG ALREADY!

Greetings and salutations to the consort of the maimed, mangled, enfeebled, lame, gimp, halted, marred, and paralyzed who may or may not read this publication. So, a horrible accident has severed your spinal column and reduced your life to a gaping void of nothingness where virility and vibrance once were abound. Well, despair not, my wheelbound friends! For T.W. Julius has spent the past several minutes perusing an unendorsed internet document that compiles a few key takeaways from a fairly substantial, although unscientific, examination of your kind! And, through his laborious laboring, he has uncovered a great many neglected benefits married to life as a cripple. So, friends, please take heed of the proceeding in the hopes that you, too, may see the silver lining.
Firstly, for many it goes without saying, but, in sincerity, it must be said: Life is more fun on wheels. How else can one explain the cultural phenomena that are Go-Karts, Pow-Pow-Powerwheels, Roller Discos, and Heely’s Sneakers? Perhaps life stuck in a rolling chair is not the metaphorical prison cell that it seems to be, but in fact, a perpetual freedom for which other Americans spend moderately to attain for fleeting, scant moments.
Secondly, no life can be more agreeable than a life that is abundant with empathy. I can only enviously imagine the number of occasions on which an empathetic person has allowed you to win at board games such as Trivial Pursuit and Monopoly. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to win those games for us “norms”? Exceedingly so. In fact, I never win at such games. And the audacity of all those bleeding hearts who just hand you uncontested victory… it simply burns me up! But I bet it makes you feel great; doesn’t it? Oh, to be victor! King! Sitting high on your rolling throne in all of your smug, self-contented glory! You make me sick!
Thirdly, when have you ever been the victim of a merciless beating? I mean, a real thrashing? A walloping of Biblical proportions? The kind of assault that my awkward social graces merit on a daily basis? Surely, you have never endured such incursion. Why? Well, we may safely assume that it is not because people fear your disabled tenement. And surely the conscienceless scum of society do not feel too badly to mug your broken personage. Then why? Well, the simple fact of the matter is, it is a veritable impossibility to kick an ass while it is ensconced snugly in the plush cushion of a TefTec OmegaTrac Wheelchair. OmegaTrac - go anywhere a walker would go while leaving your buttocks in the comfort of home!
Fourthly, pray tell, when is the last time you felt those annoying “pins and needles” in your foot? Well, I just felt them a few minutes ago when I was crouched over and inspecting my prized empire of an ant metropolis. I’ll tell you, it was pretty darn awful. So, the next time you are ruefully regretting the inability to wiggle your pinky toes, remember T.W. Julius and the unsettling discomfort that he has suffered on this day.
So, there you have it. Life as a paraplegic isn’t nearly the hollow, destitute existence that we perceive it to be. I, T.W. Julius, hope that I have shed a ray of light onto the bleak, sorrowful dispositions that unquestionably constitute the psyches of every paraplegic in existence… Yea, a single ray of light that, American/Christian God willing, may help to reveal the silver lining.

The Shape-Shifting Goat
By Mattbert

Nigeria – A murder suspect is being accused of killing his brother with an axe. To the murderer’s defense, he has stated that it was not his fault. He merely tried to scare the goats off his farm. When one would not move he attacked with an axe. That’s when the goat, he says, turned into his brother…
Apparently, in Nigeria, many people believe in black magic and sometimes murder suspects will claim spirits tricked them into killing. An example of this occurs in 2001 when eight people were burned to death after one person in their group was accused of making a bystander’s penis magically disappear.
Alright, this all actually happened. This is the part of the article where I usually started making things up (as any good journalist would) or start giving an absurd opinion, but I’m not sure if I need to in this case. I’m not sure if I even really need to do anything. I’m so confused.

Internet Conversations

Reuben: somebody keeps jiggling the doorknob on my front door, then running away. i don't know if i should call the police, or hook up some electricity to the doorknob

Cristobal: why don't you put ice on the stairs

and heat up the door knob

and swing paint buckets down from your two story foyer

then a few years later, fade from the public eye.....


Ending

If you’d like to write for Mattbert Ink send me the article before Oct 29th. That’s pretty much the only qualification.
To conserve paper visit the website MattbertInk.Tripod.com. (Note: Using www. makes the URL not work for some reason.)

Issue 1 September 2006

Well, so begins another issue of Mattbert Ink. I’d like to start my article off with a picture of some important news from CNN.

That’s right! We’ve finally come to the conclusion that Bin Laden is dead… or alive. I, for one, am certainly glad he isn’t some kind of zombie especially that of the flesh/brain eating variety.
With the recent growth in popularity of zombies noted by such films (Land of the Dead, 28 Days Later, Dawn and Shaun of the Dead ect) and games (Dead Rising and Resident Evil series) it’s imperative to know who exactly is a zombie and whom is not. It’s also important to note that although experts agree that he is not currently a zombie we should not bring our guard down because there is no telling if he will or will not be one in the future.
It has been a huge debate over his possible zombification, but it has become very clear Bin Laden is not a zombie. One major hint zombie experts (also know as zombologists) noticed was his speech in the many videos he has produced. Zombies never speak, they only growl and moan.
One of the many reasons officials are afraid of Bin Laden being a zombie is that he’ll infect others creating a zombie army of soldiers who are willing to undie for their beliefs. Terrorism in America would skyrocket and that’s not good for the economy.

America’s Latest Threat: Raccoons
By Mattbert

Recently in Olympia, WA., there has been a gang of raccoons terrorizing the city. Thus far, at least 10 cats have been killed, one person bitten, and even a dog attacked by these creatures.
Many residents of the area have found different ways to cope with the problem. Many people started carrying mace and the person who was bitten now carries a metal pipe. One family bought an attack dog to protect themselves. Also, two residents, Tamara Keeton and Kari Hall, have joined forces to start a raccoon watch after a neighborhood meeting in which over 40 people attended. “They’re urban raccoons, and they’re not afraid,” said Tamara. I’ll have to disagree with Tamara’s comments though. I think this is just a mistake of identity and not just a new breed of “urban raccoons”. Raccoons are fun-loving creatures that are known for their appearance and also their sly and mischievous behavior, but not for attacking. There is also another creature which has similar traits and appearance. It’s a pokemon called zigzagoon.

Notice the similarities in appearance? I thought so. As we all know, from watching episode 13 of the Pokemon anime, titled “Here Come the Squirtle Squad”, wild pokemon sometimes gather together in gangs to terrorize local cities, which is what I believe is happening here.
It’s a serious threat we face and mace, metal pipes, and even attacking dogs won’t help us. What we truly need are skilled pokemon trainers to help stopped these zigzagoons from causing anymore troubles. If you are a pokemon trainer remember to carry a strong fighting type pokemon in your party at all times (zigzagoons are normal type pokemon which are weak towards fighting) such as breloom or machop. One good fighting attack should do the trick, but be careful of zigzagoon’s sand-attack.
Troubling times are ahead if we can’t stop the zigzagoon. Until we can solve this problem, I urge you to stay safe.

5 Things to do at your Local Bookstore
By Mattbert and Rodrigo

1) Move the bibles from the religion section to the fiction section. (See how long it takes for the associates to kick you out for that.)
2) Have a book fight. (There’s nothing quite like throwing a heavy hardcover book at your friend’s head.)
3) Book Burnings. (Test the durability of the books against weather. You never know when it’ll rain fire (or Nazis) next.)
4) Read some books. (You can read books that tell you what to do at local bookstores. To find out more about this topic, visit your local library and read up on it.)
5) Buy hundreds of books. (You’re going to need them to make a fort against those zigzagoons.)





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